023: Why I’m relaunching my blog
Welcome back to Not a Morning Person!
Welcome back to Not a Morning Person, my lovely blog where I said I was taking a brief break back in July and then disappeared for almost a year.
Since then, a lot of things have changed—but when I try to explain what happened in my life lately, I find myself listing events like:
My employer got acquired in November, so I’ve been working really hard to keep my job amidst big leadership and governance changes. Especially since I needed to pay for the aforementioned travel plans. Even now, with layoffs around the corner, we’re all just chugging along with above-average stress in anticipation of what’s coming.
James and I just got back from almost 3 months abroad:
1 week in Jaipur, India - for a friend’s wedding
1 week in Hua Hin, Thailand - for another friend’s wedding
2 weeks in cities across five provinces in China: Chengdu, Chongqing, Xian, Hefei, Shanghai - with my family for the holidays
3 weeks in Japan: Tokyo, Hakone, Kyoto, Osaka, Fukuoka - testing out the work remote from abroad situation. (Highly do not recommend.)
2 weeks in Canada: Toronto and Yellowknife - with James’s family for Lunar New Year (not pictured here because I actually posted it on IG lol)
And then, you consider the complication of intimacy: If I’m talking to my sister or Kristine—I feel comfortable sharing any random thought or meme or funny event I come across. If I’m catching up with an acquaintance or friend—I can probably list out what I’ve been up to and see if they’re interested in learning more. If it’s someone I’ve just met for the first time—do I even say any of this at all? Where do I even start? How much of yourself do you share with the other person, and how much of what you say actually captures who you are?
I scrub through my montage of memories, searching for highlights that could be relevant and interesting. If I let you inside my innermost thoughts, I’d tell you that six years ago I visited Hakone with my family and dreamt of when I’d return to the the dappled lighting among the trees, the halo of Fuji hovering over the lake, the chatter of the wind, water, and mountain life. However, this time we never left our hotel but instead dove into pillowy soft futons after a moonlit bath, surrounded by paper lanterns and the winter wind rattling off the shoji screens. I wasn’t unhappy—it all felt so blissful, it was like a dream—but it was different. I felt it sooner but I acknowledged it then: that you could never truly return to the same place twice. And yet, everything was beautiful because everything was ephemeral. That night, I drifted off to sleep torn between the sweet reminiscence of the past that would never be again, and the sweeter happiness of the present that would soon become yesterday.
But you don’t want to hear all that—at least, not at a party or in response to a simple How are you? My thoughts tend to dive deep and meander, which is hardly good etiquette when in company. Instead, I respond to the prompts: How was India? I tell stories of the cow-filled traffic, and the extravagance of the weddings. How was Thailand? I describe the delicious food and how thrilling the Muay Thai fights were.
But if I’m meeting someone brand new: do I start with my bio first? Chinese-American, Bay Area native but went to school in Los Angeles, tech worker, but not really since I’m not an engineer and instead work in strategy/bizops (whatever that means), but honestly would rather just own a cozy cafe where I’d sit and pen novels, people watch, and enjoy good music and vibes. I could also talk endlessly about stories I love, which recently have been mostly in video games and anime even though I do also keep a to-read bookshelf like any other person. I’m actually quite nerdy and analytical —all writers are, really—so I don’t hate my job either, especially since I work really hard and care a lot about solving problems and delivering value.
Nobody wants this anti-elevator pitch, this train wreck of an intro—so I default to just asking new people questions about themselves instead. Popular business books say people like to talk about themselves. I consider it a win-win for them and for my social anxiety.
But is it a win for me? Do I really only want to share a pared-down, greatest-hits version of my life, when who I am really comes from all the things I do in between? If I only get to see someone one a year, or once every few years, they’re essentially meeting a different person every encounter. If I care so deeply about relationships, then wouldn’t I want to do more to be seen and understood—and invite people to do the same?
Sometimes I feel lonely in my environment here in San Francisco—especially since I know what brings me meaning in life is not so concrete a goal as that of those around me. In this lovely and surreal city, I meet founders and high achievers everywhere, all chasing their dreams of having a billion dollar company or attaining a certain lifestyle. It’s like Hollywood, but more meritocratic since you actually see people succeed all around you. It’s easy to convince myself I share the same dream, especially when I have a pedigree and privilege that lets me blend in.
I used to think that if I presented a certain side of myself, I’d quiet the anxiety—or if I just found enough people who were exactly like me, I’d feel accepted and safe. I’d often fret over which mask, which “me” to be in each new setting. But another part of me chooses to no longer meticulously organize my masks anymore.
I’ve been told many times that growing older is just getting too tired to give so many fucks, but I actually disagree with this take. It’s not from weariness that I stop putting on these masks, but more an active curiosity for what I look like with no guise or pretense, a curiosity I wish I had in my earlier years when the masks seemed more beautiful than my actual face. I suppose the beauty of aging is the earnest desire to discover and celebrate more of who you are underneath everything.
I think back to the last time I was (also literally) bare-faced almost all the time—my sabbatical, what I had seen as an “in-between,” a stretch of time between two peaks that I would typically anchor my identity or story to. It was also during that in-between that I invested the most into deciding how I wanted to live: processing new insights, accepting hard truths, reflecting on my growth, and learning what really motivates me.
This is the main reason I wanted to restart my blog: to tell you about all the times I feel alive in the in-betweens, not just at the peaks. I miss capturing portraits of the everyday, and I miss hearing the resonance from everyone else.
Right now, I happen to be finishing this piece at the DMV on my birthday (lol), waiting to replace my lost driver’s license that also happens to expire today. Yeah, it’s depressing as hell and I’m as annoyed now as I was several hours of waiting ago, but I tell myself that maybe this is just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.
But among the buzz and busyness, there is something peculiar. More than once, no, maybe several times each hour, I hear a “Happy Birthday!” from a desk agent to some other soul who’s turn has finally come. While it doesn’t change how long I still have to wait, these small greetings have made my afternoon all the more bearable.
Housekeeping
One of my beige flags is that I write maudlin prose. (Believe me, I want to gouge my eyes out when I read some of the fiction I write.) But since you’re reading a blog that is essentially a personal journal trying to be coherent, you’ll need to settle for some of this writing here and there. *evil laughter*
Still, I know that my readers probably span different interests, so I wanted to share some updates to the Substack:
For those who are new readers—hello! I’ve created an Index for older posts (organized by theme) to get to know I’ve been and who I’m trying to be.
I also write guides (restaurant recs, travel guides, job hunting, etc.). but I never know where to publish my guides since listicles don’t fit the theme of this blog. Howeverrr! Substack recently launched newsletter “sections” as a feature, so I’ll now be publishing these as well. You’ve been subscribed by default but you can always manage your subscription anytime.
I’m also gathering information about my readers to improve the relevancy of my writing here. New readers will be asked to fill out a demographic survey - but even if you’re an OG, I’d appreciate you filling it out to help me with tracking and understanding my audience.
Lastly, I'm pausing paid subscriptions until I build up my weekly posting cadence again.
As always, thanks for reading! ♡
Yayyy you’re back!